Before you panic and begin spiraling down into a deep and lasting depression- you should know I’m not dead. Probably. I mean, I’m writing this on a Wednesday and not publishing it until Friday so…who knows really? You better turn on CNN and read the ticker at the bottom of the screen to see if word of my death has spread. No? Keep watching it. If your eyes are getting tired then just focus on the main screen, if I’m dead Anderson Cooper will probably be crying. If he isn’t crying, I’m not dead. Feel free to celebrate the fact I’m still alive by throwing a party in my honor, writing your congressperson requesting that a day be set aside in my honor, or by sending me cash. Any of these are honorable ways to celebrate my still being alive. If you see Anderson Cooper crying, that means I’m dead. Feel free to throw a party in my honor, weep unashamedly in front of your friends, quit your job and dedicate the rest of your life to writing my biography, or spend all the rest of your days praying that I made it into Heaven and was awarded my angel wings immediately. These are all honorable ways to mourn my death.
But, I’m probably still alive. In the off chance I’m not still alive, I would like to go ahead and apologize to my family for this post. It’s incredibly inappropriate, but I’m sure you’ve come to expect that of me by now. It’s kind of funny though, right? In a real hatcha-cha kind of way.
On to what you really want to know….who is getting all my awesome stuff???
Jokes on you! I don’t have any awesome stuff. In yo face! Man, even from Heaven I am totally hysterical. I mean my family pretty much gets everything but I will happily will away the stuff I don’t expect them to keep.
To All My Blogging Buddies: You get this blog. Which is pretty much the big prize in this will so count yourselves lucky. Unfortunately, you have to split it 1,591 different ways because as of today that is the number of subscribers I have. You each get to write .23 posts a year. Unless it’s a leap-year. In that case, I expect you to all get together and put together a compilation of mournful tunes and post them as a tribute to me. Actually, all your posts should be tributes to me. It would be really weird if you used this blog for anything else. Seriously, keep the pervy stuff for you own blogs.
To Mary: You get my annotated books and journals. Basically, it’s a treasure trove of wit and insight. Any money you make from my brilliant ideas should be used for charity. Or really cute clothes. I’ll let you be the judge.
To Captain Thoughtful: You get all the pictures of me, that way, the shrine you erect in my honor will look awesome. Also, you get me as a guardian angel. I promise to be a totally badass guardian angel and to pinch people who are mean to you so that they learn to associate meanness to you to pain and refrain from doing it forever. You’re welcome.
End of will. (Sort of, the rest is mostly curse words and inappropriate jokes)
Educlaytion gave me the idea for this post like a year ago. I just found it half-written in my drafts. Life is fun isn’t is? Anyway, read his blog, because he’s real clever and other nice things you say about people. Now, what are you guys leaving for me in your wills? I’ve got my fingers crossed for some chia pets!!!